Current Events

A sneaky shark, found his way into an English, fish—and other creatures of the water world—zoo. I'm still not sure how he got in there, but eggs were mentioned and there was some talk of Easter. It sounds like the work of The Easter Bunny—but that's just me. Either way it's stealth powers are super nifty, and could come in handy, if say, one needed to sneak into a male locker room.

An adventurous Ohio couple was caught rafting without the proper attire and later lied about their excursion. The judge, a lenient man, sentenced them to a mere 60 hours of wading in a toddler pool at a town gathering. Life jackets will be worn. Pamphlets will be passed out as well.

In naked news, if you didn't get a chance to see President Reagan's daughter—Patti Davis--when she posed for Playboy in 94', at the age of 42, now's your chance to amend that. At 58, she'll be strutting her cougerness for More magazine. Side note—she also thinks Sarah Palin is a B word, who enjoys killing defenseless animals.

Good news for bible followers. You can mark a few sins off the  “what not to do, so you don't end up in hell” list. Abortions will no longer send you into a fiery pit, apparently it's not even mentioned. The whole thing was made up! Men, tired of your wife, but can't divorce her? Don't want to pay child or spousal support? Now you can take a new. In fact you can take as many as you like. King Solomon did. Lesbians, you can now go to heaven. It's the non-virgin brides who are shit out of luck. Beware of stones. The bible also encourages erotic literature and the enjoyment of sex—see it doesn't just have to be one position. Check out Song of Songs, also known as the Song of Solomon—that rascal.Go on. You know you want to. Adultery, incest, and sex with angels are the only sexual behaviors that need to be avoided. Everything else is a 'thumbs up', have at it! Wanna enjoy a little sodomy? Go ahead, just make sure you donate to a proper charity. If that doesn't call for an amen, what does?