Friday, June 24, 2011

Quotes from Friday night...

Once I was here and now I am not.
Maybe it's because you
are full of snot.

That's okay, you smelled
a lot too, kind of like
monkey poo.

I might be drunk,
I might be crazy,
but you look kind of lazy
lying there in my trunk.

So, that's where I went, you
don't have to ask why, I told you
the story and have no reason to lie.

-- detoxendrix
Stuck at a stop light,
just not right.

Stuck at a stop light,
just might light.

Smoke & wait while I
wait & smoke, at this
stop light where I toke.

Hello, Police Pig HOW DO YOU

Do you like my 'do?
Wanna see my poo?

That's the smell,
I swear as I tell your
mother about what I saw
you doin' with your


What?! You got an itch?
What a bitch.
But not my niche
so back an inch

Before you receive a stitch
via fist.

-- Emma Claw & detoxendrix
"I don't poop
anywhere but my
own hand."
-- Sckooter (his spelling)
"We're the  three best friends
that anyone could have!"

(Over and over)
-- B. Reil
"Mini barf."
-- B. Reil
"Crapped on your desk, dog.
What's up?
Crapped on your desk, dog."
-- B. Reil
"Are you going home?" - Emma
"Some day." - Sckooter
"Go! Grab his butt!" - Emma
"I'm not doing that
for your amusement." - detox
"I want to be the wild
monkey & look like one,
too." - Emma
"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" - B. Reil (from the other room)
"Herro preez." - Saint Lo Jo
"OH FUCK!" - Captain P (from the bathroom)
"Who was that?" - detox & Emma
 "They call me Black Nips (/ples)."
-- Tactical and B. Reil
Re: Sckooter's drunk ass.
 "You're just mad 'cuz I
figured out how to shake
-- B. Reil (To Saint Lo Jo and Emma about his nipples--clarified as SHANK NIPPLES)
 *La Hacienda - B. Reil and detox
*La Fiesta - Cap'n P and The OG
 "News Flash of the night:
Gay Marriage was legalized in New York tonight."
 "Fuck off guy. I don't
owe you shit"
-- Cap'n P in regards to Skcooter

 "Build a fort over him!"
-- B. Reil again regarding Sckooter
 "We drew six dicks on the
guy, why does it matter
how big the seventh one is?"
-- Re: Sckooter
-- B. Reil to group Re: Bruno
 "I know where he said it,
in you BUTT!"
-- B. Reil to group Re: Life!
 Awesomes are not Possums."
-- Emma
 "I did it, and it was fun!"
-- B. Reil on kicking cactus
 "There's a bigger couch
over there...O--Okay,
you can lay on Bowser The Bears
-- Saint Lo Jo to Sckooter
 "Bourbon BBQ sauce that
tastes so good. It;s like
a man's dick in my mouth."
-- B. Reil
 "The first color I drew
on with Sckooter was red."-- B. Reil
 "No, it was purple." -- Tactical
"The second color I drew on Sckooter was red." -- B.Reil
-- Every guy. A lot.
Re: David Blaine impressions
 "I forgot I won last round."
-- Cap'n P during Uno
 "What happens in girl talk,
stays in girl talk "
-- Emma
 "You don't drink
and drive, but you do write
on Sckooter."
 -- B.Reil

Friday, June 17, 2011

Yo Haters! You Best Check Yo' Self, Before You Wreck Yo' Self(s).

It's the dawn of a new era—when isn't it?

Throughout the history of civilized society, life choices—especially those dealing with sexuality and race—have been questioned, and ostracized for going against the norm.

The why's of this in our past make sense to me—it's to be expected when most civilizations, colonies, kingdoms--et cetera, et cetera--believed in magic. What baffles--and slightly irritates me-- is that with all the advances that we've made as a whole on the planet Earth, there are still many in the world that want to judge and hate on others.

The haters out there baffle me. I understand they are probably bored, so going to the local hate rally is akin to a night on the town, but surely there are other activities in which they would be able to attend that would prove to be just as entertaining.

I asked a friend what she thought should be done with all the haters, a way to give them a taste of their own medicine. Her response:

“We should hang them by individual strings attached to each metacarpal and phalanx, once restrained we will then proceed to tickle the offender.”

I agreed.

It would work perfectly. It won't be painful—in the beginning, eventually discomfort would likely set in—and the situation would be an almost poetic justice. The bully would get a taste of their own medicine, the tickles serving as a garnish to the humiliation and the universal law—treat others as you would want to be treated—would be upheld.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The E-Life

MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter, oh my! Online community's have flourished over the last decade or so, giving the nerds, geeks, ugly's, and socially awkward a better chance at a social life. Having trouble finding your niche in a proper click? There are plenty of social networks available that provide what you have trouble attaining in reality.

To each their own, I say. I think the use of online community's will decrease the number of random mass murders from those who feel shunned by society.

Those are my thoughts on that.

In news, Representative Anthony Weiner (D) (heehee his last name is Weiner) , has apparently coached the ex-porn star about their online relationship. It's a good thing she already has acting experience, I'm sure it made it helpful when remembering her lines.

And in technology, Nintendo—those rascals—have announced the release of their newest console the Wii U. A lover of all things Nintendo, I'm super excited, you should be too.


Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Emma's Opinion on Friends with Benefits.

Of late, there has been an openness--of sorts--in the convenience of having yourself a friend with extra perks to the friendship, ones that you don't have with your other acquaintances. Someone to pass the time, lonely nights, and carnal itch, with until the next relationship. I think it all began way back, when personal ad's sprung up—some may recall a little film, Desperately Seeking Susan. Since then the personals have become somewhat of a pun, as we've advanced to Online Booty Call and whatnot.

I, for one, think it spectacular that we've progressed to such a sexually awakened society. Why, we may be but a breath away, to living a reality similar to Aldous Huxley's, Brave New World. My worry with the newfangled liberation is with the increase in outward sexuality and a parallel increase in entertainment ( movies, literature, Internet, et cetera, et cetera ) following along with popular culture, there has become a delusion that finding your future life partner via the fuck buddy is good as any other approach.

While I don't doubt, there may be small percentage who will or have experienced this naughty fairy tale ending--of finding a compatible, with one, who was once just a friend. There is an even larger percent though,  who think this will be their reality. In which in will not. Leading to disappointment—probably a lot of it. In a perfect sextopia, there would be little confusion, if all had the ability to withhold the emotions that often correlate with any sexual relationship. There are those who can accomplish this easy peasy like, but as those individuals are actually few, I think it important to remind, there are some who can and others who can not—nothing wrong with that. As long as you are aware that this is the type of sexual mentality you possess.

A few may be asking, “Emma, how do I know if I'm one of the few, the proud, and the horny?” In which I would reply, “Easy, my friend, trial and error.” Cruel, indeed, there is most likely a guarantee of heartache in the future, but in the name of science and all that, you must find a way.

For you heathens, who can enjoy sex in its pure primitiveness—get yo' grind on, just remember to stay safe.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Unproductivety at it's best...

I was having a little trouble with writing anything of value today, giving up I started wandering through my Netbook and reminiscing over all the funny photos I've accumulated. Thought I would share them with you, cause I care.

This last one is a drunken dance I did in a bar restroom. If you can imagine, it was even more amusing than this picture. One of my finer moments, if I do say so meself. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Look good for The Rapture

If you're looking to spend money on losing weight, enjoy caffeine, and wearing leggings, they've finally come up with a product just for you. A doctor, going by the name of Oz just featured the caffeinated and Shea Butter enriched attire on her show about inexpensive alternatives to cosmetic surgery. Here is an example of results to expect in 28 days...

From what I've perused, the advance technology for the Lytess Leggings is near revolutionary. All you have to do is move around a bit and the micro beads embedded into the fabric will be released and you can kiss cellulite away. My kitten friend, Faith,  was less than impressed when I nudged her awake from her slumber to tell her about them.   She started to remind me of our stance on all things diet related, but I quickly stopped her assuring her it wasn't for the cellulite relief that I wanted them, but for the caffeine high and silky skin they would provide. A $70 pair of tights that will last roughly 30 washes should save me a bounty in coffee, tea, and lotion. Her only response was to shake her head at me, mumbling about “silly humans” as she returned to her snooze.

I suppose it doesn't really matter, there is new proof the end times are among us. Birds have now begun to fall out of the sky. That's right. Birds. Parrots to be exact. The colorful winged creatures have discovered the indulgence of a good buzz and have been binging since early May, its rumored they plan to continue until the end times leave the cockroaches at the top of the food chain.

Until then here is a video of an awkward political moment to enjoy...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Emma Claw, Love Doctor and Anarchist Dater Extraordinaire.

As a preference, I don't generally take the traditional approach to dating, preferring a Darwinism approach to my love life. I won't go into the semantics of how I wade through suitors, but if you're familiar with the show Gladiator, that can give you a pretty good idea.

After twenty some years of staring at strangers in the midst of the primal dance of lust, I haven't become so disillusioned to consider myself any kind of expert--yet--but I insist anyway on imparting some advice, for those of you looking for love in all the wrong places.

I have an inkling, that there are a few of you reading articles, and how to books on the who, what, where, and why of finding the right significant other. I want to discourage you from this, it will only confuse and befuddle. An example will be included here, to clear up any confusion on what literature should be avoided. It's also come to my understanding, there are a set of rules, in which one is supposed to go about during the entire courting process. Before and after finding The One. Riiight. I'm not one for rules, a true rebel at heart I be. I would encourage the same behavior of all. The staple of putting expectations on what has to happen in order to find a proper match is tedious and really who benefits from all these nay-says? Not you, square.

The breeders out there, who haven't yet had the opportunity to contribute to the continuance of humanity, may be getting a little itchy at the prospect of not knowing how to find your baby daddy/mamma. Relax. You will likely have no issue finding your true and only without the stipulations in place. It may actually be easier, and if anything there will be fun to be had. I feel a strong conviction that without the misconceptions placed around the shroud of finding a suitable partner, many hearts shall be spared—not all, mind you, but a significant change in the statistic ought to show.

Happy hunting.